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I was in Blackpool. I'd wanted to enjoy the delights of the golden mile for years and when I'd found myself with some holiday to use up, I'd jumped at the chance to sort out a weekend break. Now here I was. I'd arrived the previous evening and after trying and failing to get some quality small talk going with a taxi driver who sounded like Anne Widdicombe, but bore a striking resemblance to Bruce Forsyth with all the conversational ability of Gordon Brown, I was deposited at the door of the "Beautiful briny" guest house. First impressions weren't too bad, the paint on the door wasn't peeling and I found the lifebelt hanging in the front window quite tasteful. I knocked and the door was quickly opened by a middle aged woman who looked as if she weighed at least 20 stone. Clad as she was in extremely large blue trousers and an even larger blue and white striped t-shirt, her look wasn't much but she had a friendly plump face and soft kind eyes, so maybe there was more to her, with that encouraging thought in mind I got ready to start on the "Hello I booked a room with you by telephone last week my names Mr.........." routine only for large lady to burst out with "Ahoy shipmate" in a bad Cornish accent. I hadn't figured out what to say before she continued "What brings you on board then landlubber?. "Err well" I said hesitantly "I reserved a room with you last week for this weekend". "Ar come to join the crew have you" she remarked "Well I'm always looking for new scurvy knaves". The nautical natter had been strange enough to start with but she seemed to be getting into her stride now, I figured I'd better keep hush and wait for my landlady to calm down a bit.
It looked like this might take a while though.
"Of course you'll have to start as cabin boy and work your way up" I was informed. "It's hard work and long hours. Hard tack for breakfast at 7:00, then you'll be swabbing the decks and mending torn sails all the day. You'll be ready for your bedtime tot of rum alright, Pharr shiver me timbers!"
as this seemed to be all for now, I seized on the silence to explain why I was there and hopefully get things back on track. At the news of my true purpose, Miss pretend pirate visibly deflated. "Oh well" "she said with the accent suddenly gone "You can just sleep and eat here if you want. Most people seem to like that, but it'll always be a sailors life for me Jim lad" The accent was back and I feared we were setting sail again , but then I was unceremoniously given a key and told I was in room 16 on the 2nd floor. I asked if there was a lift and received only a look of pure venom in response before Sailor Smith (I didn't get a chance to remind myself of her name) disappeared into the dining room.
Now after that bizarre welcome, it was Saturday morning and I was out on the esplanade with a full day of food and fun planned. I'd already scoffed a massive choc mint ice cream and been thrilled to find a mint condition "Monaco G.P" game at the back of one of the amusement arcades. Turning down the chance of a quick paddle, I'd decided on a donkey ride and was now on the back of a lovely furry fellow named Albert as he ambled along the beach. The sea was calm and the sound of the waves provided a pleasant accompaniment to my jolly journey, as I listened though, I was sure I could hear something particularly familiar and so I pricked up my ears
"Heigh ho away we go
riding on a donkey"
Yes, it was one of my favourite children’s songs from my nursery rhymes tape collection at home. I was pleased to hear it and looking round noticed that it was coming from a tent further along the beach. I decided to investigate and after dismounting from Alfred, I wandered over to find out who had such a good taste in music. The tent was round and seemed to be quite new. It was purple and blue with a star above the entrance and a large board outside which read
"BLACKPOOL BELLE FORTUNE TELLER COME AND HEAR YOUR FUTURE FROM THE SEASDIE SOOTHSAYER HERSELF" FULL READINGS £1.00"
A fortune teller then. I didn't believe in horoscopes and such and I'd never had anyone read my palm, my tealeaves, or my school reports if I could help it, but after all I was on holiday, it was cheap and I wanted to speak to her if only to mention the donkey song which I assumed she was playing because it sounded right for the beach, more appropriate than "Big yellow taxi anyway" So in I went.
There was no-one visible at first, looking round I noticed an armchair with a cover and cushions covered to match the tent and something in the middle of the small table covered with a gypsy style headscarf, presumably this was Belles crystal ball even though there was something strange about the shape. Before I could work out what, the lady of the tent emerged, swathed in a beautiful scarlet robe with a dark blue blouse, purple skirt and rings on at least 8 fingers, with her long flowing dark hair and deep husky tones, it all added up to mysterious and more than a bit sexy package. "Welcome my child" " she said in a suitably dramatic voice "You have come to glimpse the mysteries of that which is yet to be". Now unlike Robert Newton’s sister at my accommodation, I was expecting some corny talk from someone in Belle's line of work and replied "Yes" straight away. "Sit down then my child" said Belle as she settled in her chair. I took my place on the stool opposite (Well decent armchairs do cost a bit) as Belle invited me to cross her palm with silver. "Will two 50p's do" I asked being out of pound coins. "I will accept" she said. "The silver of Satan is cleansed of it's evil the moment it touches my flesh". "That's convenient" I thought as I handed over the money.
Belle asked me to keep quiet as she pressed her index fingers to her forehead and began her intro. "I see your spirit" she said "You are happy and feeling carefree on this day" This was true, but still a bit of a catch all line in a holiday resort. "Even so" she continued "You desire an insight into your destiny. I will guide you child. Let us gaze into the crystal balls". I assumed it was either a slip of the tongue or my fortune was coming up in 3-D. When she whipped aside the headscarf though it turned out Belle knew exactly what she meant. There on the table was an exquisite crystal model of the male naughty bits with Satsuma size balls and a 8 inch cock standing proud in the middle. To say I was taken aback by the sight would be putting it mildly and since I said nothing Belle went onto explain. "The wisdom of the crystal balls will show me where you're life is leading. The whole of time is stored inside." I recovered myself to ask about the penis and Belle was eager to elaborate "This is the great cock of clairvoyance. Through this I channel the echoes of eternity which reveal their secrets in the blessed balls". I couldn't enquire further before she said "We must begin".
As I wondered where the session might be heading, Belle threw her head back and spoke to the ceiling "Come spirits of the sisterhood. Be with me and show the truth of time. Please hear me!". She was giving it plenty that much was true, but looking back at the balls I couldn't see anything going on. I was sure now that Belles powers of prophecy were a sham with genitals thrown in for some reason. The lady herself though was sensing something. She peered intently at the balls. and commented "There are good times on the horizon for you". "Really" I said in a slightly bored tone "Much pleasure" continued Belle. I decided to play along "Well I hope it's not too much I don't want to be knackered before the circus later". My sarcasm didn't seem to be having any effect as Belle carried on "Yes I can see that you will be breastfed by a voluptuous female who will cause you to burst with joy. The time this will happen is now".
Well it was better news than I'd ever heard from Russell Grant, but surprising all the same. I wasn't sure what to make of the revelation and turned round to check the entrance to see if Janet from Blue Peter was coming in (Yes please!). Instead though Belle stretched her arms towards me and invited me to sit on her lap. "Come and drink the milk of you mummy angel sweetheart" she said. A strange offer from a cheap and cheerful sideshow gal, but it still wasn't something I wanted to turn down especially since a glance at Belle's chest suggested she was a 34DD at least. So I walked round the table and settled myself on Belle's knees as she shrugged off her robe and began unbuttoning her top.
It turned out she wasn't wearing a bra so her tits were soon visible in all their glory and oh did they look yummy. I could feel my cock beginning to stir when Belle asked "Now what flavour would you like?" Things were getting weirder by the minute now. "Booby flavour" I said eager to taste the rosy pink nipples that were sticking out invitingly. "You look like a banana boy to me" said Belle and slipped her hand into the waistband of her skirt, after some rustling she gave a gasp of delight, withdrew her fingers and told me it was dinky time. I didn't need telling twice, leaning in I latched on to a nipple and began to suck, Belles milk soon came and I lapped it up, lovely and sweet with the unmistakeable taste of bananas. I gulped 6 mouthfuls before the fruity flavour struck me as odd, a good trick if you can do it, but I'd never heard of anyone who could. I swallowed one more lot and let go of Belles teat to ask how the heck she'd managed the banana gimmick. She got the wrong idea though and said "Awe don't you like banana milky, how about strawberry", then Belles hand was back down her skirt, another gasp and she was offering up her tit for my next drink. I went in for some more to find that the seemingly magical mammeries were supplying strawberry milk this time. Having sucked up plenty, I felt I had to get to the bottom of things and find out if I was falling for a first class illusion or going barmy.
"Sorry" "I said "But I've got to ask what is going on with your Yazoo filled tittiys and since when have fortune tellers done breastfeeding on the side in the first place?". Belle leaned over and whispered "Can you keep a secret". I was pretty sure I could and wouldn't have admitted otherwise at that moment anyway, so I nodded and Belle continued "The Blackpool Belle routine is just my cover. I'm actually mummy milkshake, the best lactating lovely in Lancashire" That explained part of it , but there was still more to sort out "Oh" I said . "Well I love big friendly boobies but how come you've got several different varieties on tap". "It's quite simple" said Belle. "I've always got plenty of milk inside and every time I press my clit, it changes the flavour."
So here was a phoney fortune teller gifted with multi milk knockers worked by clitoris control
I knew that it was impossible and that my theory about a knocked off McDonalds milkshake machine and a hose up Belle's bum supplying her chest was unlikely at best, but unless I'd forgotten about a heavy tuna sniffing session the night before, it was all 100% real and at least the drinks were good. in fact Belle was looking to make them even better. "p'raps they need a bit more mixing" she said "I'll just bounce my boobs a few times that should do it". the sight of Belle's bouncing bosoms perked my cock right up and I couldn't resist another taste. "Could I have choc flavour this time?" "Of course sweetheart" replied Belle. One more clit click and there it was, thick chocolate too!
Would there be good toys in the crane machines on the pier?
This was the question in my mind as I walked away from Belle's booth making sure I took in plenty of fresh air. I'd looked back to check that the tent was still there after I left, it hadn't gone anywhere and rather than sending my brain round in circles all day, I decided to file the experience under "bonkers but true" and ponder the details later instead of watching Holby city.
"If you're feeling fine and you've got the time
you can spend a lovely day on Blackpool pier"
O.K the actual ditty was a gag number about the non event that is Wigan pier. It still mentioned piers though and I was enjoying singing it to myself as I got closer to Blackpool’s big sticky outy thing. Just before the pier, there was a stall on the front giving folk the chance to ring 3 bells for a prize. I took a look and saw that it was a ding dong centric variation on a coconut shy. As the cuddly toys on offer looked good and squeezable, I opted to have a go and actually won, hurrah!
I chose a lovely floppy eared pink and white rabbit for my new cuddle chum and pootled onward to the pier stopping to nip in the loos. It was while I was washing my hands that I started to feel I was being watched. There was no-one else around and I figured I must be imagining things. I dried my mitts and went to pick my bunny up from by the sinks when it suddenly said "There's nothing like the white stuff is there?"
I jumped back in shock, dropping the rabbit onto the wet floor. This was enough. Belles boobs had been one thing, but talking toys as well? yes as it turned out. "Please try and be careful" said bunny. "If I get piles from these wet tiles I'll be blaming you". I couldn't help but stammer "W-w-w-w what. Who ever heard of a soft toy going down with the farmer giles." "No-one apart from you is familiar with breasts that offer 3 different flavours" countered bunny, "But that didn't stop you having your fill. She's a good girl you know, actually she does mango too, but it involves a tricky manoeuvre with a broom handle so it's for extra special cases only". I hadn't even begun to make sense of things and could find nothing to say, no matter though because bunny had plenty of chat. "I'd better introduce myself" it said "My names Amy I can't tell you my surname but I'm not to be confused with that Pond girl who hangs out with the doctor, saying that I think I've got a better nose. I know how you're feeling You can't quite believe that this much crazy stuff can happen in Blackpool can you?"
She was right I couldn't but I had recovered enough to try and regroup a bit. "So". I said speaking slowly. "You're a stuffed talking girl rabbit with massive lugholes and full knowledge of what's been happening to me this morning". "That's right" said Amy "Don't be too alarmed though. I did set the whole thing up". "What" I shouted "You reckon this is all your doing?"
"Yup" confirmed Amy sounding as calm as anything. "You must be desperate to ask why and I won't stop you". "Alright then tell me" I said "Why the lusty lady and the glinting genitals why any of it" Amy just smiled "I didn't say I'd tell you did I" she said "But I will tell you this. It's a lonely life you're in now, so make sure you cling tight to my left paw all the way and you'll be quite safe. I'll require at least 5 cuddles a day, a lullaby every bedtime and make sure you don't run put of cola flavoured carrots apart from that there's nothing to worry about. Now grab hold and let's go" I would have loved to have legged it out of the loos screaming my head off about autonomous animals with far too much rabbit (no pun intended) but I was feeling too dazed and confused to do anything except clasp Amys left paw and the moment I did, the soap dispensers and urinals dissolved and we were off
Where to? beats me!